Just an Update

So things have been going better. After a few weeks of constant chest pain, I'm doing better.

I still don't sleep well at night. I have this problem with critiquing every decision I made that day and wondering if it was the right one. Should I have been nicer? Should I have been more mean? I wish I could turn it off.

I definitely heard a student call me a b**** in class, but I didn't exactly see who it was, but I have an idea. I just looked at all of them and said, "I heard that, but I obviously can't do anything about it since I don't know exactly who did it. But you know what? It doesn't matter to me." They looked pretty suprised. I've kind of gotten to the point where I don't care if I'm scary or a "b."

The point is, I have a job to do. I am enjoying it, and if that makes be a b, then oh well.

It's just so frustrating sometimes when I think about how disrespectful these kids are compared to how I acted in school.

We give them breakfast every day in class. Needless to say, cereal and crap goes everywhere. I ask a kid to pick it up. "It's not mine." Of course, I say, I don't care whose it is, just be a nice person and pick it up. "I'm not a nice person." Ahhhhhhh!

On the other hand, I've really connected with some of the kids. Some of them draw me pictures and give me hugs when they see me. And ankle monitor boy is out of my class due to a schedule change. Whew.

I am tired. It's 2 a.m. but I'm excited because I got a week ahead in lesson planning.

Now I'm nervous because our big standardized district assessments are coming up and I'm scared all of my kids will fail and they will say I'm a lousy teacher.

I am tired.